Edward is an agent of the Culture, a galaxy-spanning post-human civilization run by smart-ass AIs. Against the backdrop of the Idrian War, Edward’s been sent on a mission to a non-Culture world, as part of a war strategy only understandable by an AI. On that world, he meets Bella, who is awed by his super human strength and sparkling skin (all part and parcel of the wacky post-human benefits package bestowed by the Culture.) Meanwhile, Jacob, a shapeshifting humanoid agent hired by the Idrians (who are dour, religious lizards) discovers Edward romancing Bella (triggering several pages of Jacob describing Edward’s abilities in loathing detail.)
Edward and Jacob fight over Bella’s affections, involving several set pieces where Edward, Jacob, and finally, ships the size of moons blow up the scenery, including world-sized artifacts of long-gone, but impressive alien species.
Edward finally triumphs over Jacob, but Bella’s blasted to flinders in the crossfire. However, the Culture sprinkles nano-dust over the 3AU wide cloud of atoms which she has become, restoring her.
Edward, tired of life after the apocalyptic struggle, asks his AI masters to teleport him into the core of a star.
In an epilogue, it is revealed that the narrator is not only Bella’s daughter, who married Jacob, but she’s the protagonist of an earlier Culture novel.
Sounds about right. And I for one would read that…
See also: if famous writers had written Twilight.
